How ‘Mindset’ by Carol Dweck reshaped my thinking and set me free of toxic beliefs
Do you remember how your parents praised you when you were a kid?
From a young age, many of us have been showered with praise like “Oh, you’re so smart! Great job!” from our parents.
While it feels wonderful to be recognized, the long-term effects of this kind of praise on your mindset and self-esteem might surprise you.
For me, this pattern of praise became a defining feature of my life. Every time I was praised, I realized I was doing something right, so I tried to repeat it over and over again. Before I knew it, meeting my parents’ expectations became my primary goal.
When I started school, I was too afraid to disappoint my parents, so I worked hard to avoid it. I studied until late, got excellent grades at school, played violin and piano every week, and attended dance classes.
“I need to perform,” I’d say to myself, “I need to be excellent in everything. When I got a ‘satisfactory’ or even ‘good’ grade at school, I was nervous to tell my parents. My mom’s “we’ll talk at home” still gives me the chills.
The pressure to excel was my default state.
While this might sound familiar to many from Eastern European families, it wasn’t healthy, and I believe it could be a reason why I developed my anxiety, risk aversion, and fear of failure.
This study even found that Russian families “rarely encourage autonomy, activity and self-control” in a child’s upbringing, favoring a strict approach.
But there is an alternative, a path I discovered through Carol Dweck’s groundbreaking book, “Mindset.” This book proves how much impact our upbringing can have on our lives, success, and potential.
Discovering the Mindset Concept
In her book “Mindset”, Dr. Carol Dweck, a renowned psychologist and Stanford University professor, explores the concept of mindset and how our beliefs about our abilities can influence our success and personal development.
Dr. Dweck introduces the idea of two mindsets: the “fixed mindset,” which believes abilities and intelligence are static traits, and the “growth mindset,” which believes abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work.
Here’s how she described the difference in her interview:
“In a fixed mindset students believe their basic abilities, their intelligence, their talents, are just fixed traits. They have a certain amount and that’s that, and then their goal becomes to look smart all the time and never look dumb.
“In a growth mindset students understand that their talents and abilities can be developed through effort, good teaching and persistence. They don’t necessarily think everyone’s the same or anyone can be Einstein, but they believe everyone can get smarter if they work at it.
Dr. Carol Dweck
According to Dweck, individuals may not even be aware of their mindset, but it significantly shapes their behavior and reactions, particularly to failure. Individuals with a fixed mindset tend to dread failure and consider it a negative statement about their abilities.
Two mindsets can play an important role in our lives. This concept resonated deeply with me, and I realized that understanding these two mindsets is a game-changer as the growth mindset can allow us to live a less stressful and more successful life.
Changing My Approach to Failure
Understanding the difference between the two mindsets was the first step, but I also needed to learn how to change my mindset.
The book offers advice on how one can cultivate a growth mindset for personal growth and success. I also found this speech by Carol Dweckuseful, where she talks about how to develop a growth mindset.
Given my all-consuming fear of failure in my childhood, one pivotal takeaway for me was the importance of not pushing anyone into a fixed mindset in the first place. To help children develop a growth mindset, we should focus on praising the process and not the outcome.
Instead of saying, “You have a good eye,” we should say, “I love how you thoughtfully chose the colors.” This type of praise motivates children to succeed and develop new skills. They don’t have to have a ‘talent’ to make a nice drawing, they can learn to do it.
Now when I talk to my two-year-old niece, I try to avoid statements like “you’re so smart” and “you’re so talented”. Instead, I encourage her to solve problems and compliment her for the process. If it helps her not to be scared of failure even a tiny bit, I’d consider it a success.
And as Carol Dweck wisely put it:
“Nobody has a growth mindset in everything all the time.”
Dr. Carol Dweck
Final Thoughts
Carol Dweck’s book ‘Mindset’ has the power to reshape your approach to personal growth. It challenges the way we think about our ‘default settings’ and our fear of failure.
The book reminds us that our intelligence isn’t genetic and fixed; we can grow and learn. Understanding that has served as a powerful motivator for me. I no longer say, “I can’t speak German, I’m not talented in languages.” Instead, I embrace the challenge and the opportunity to learn.
You can do the same, and you don’t have to be “talented” or “smart”. It might be challenging, but with dedication and the desire to grow, you can reach your goals.
Embracing the growth mindset was the best thing I did for my well-being and I encourage you to do the same, if you still feel like it’s not OK to make a mistake.
If this resonates with you, I strongly recommend reading the book ‘Mindset’ by Carol Dweck. It’s a must-read for anyone seeking personal development and realizing their full potential.
This article was originally published on my blog on Medium.com. Cover photo by Joshua Abner from Pexels.